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Grieving a Miscarriage: What Helps You and Your Partner | Bridgman Psychological Services
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Grieving a miscarriage: what helps, for you and your partner
Grief after a miscarriage is real grief, no matter how early the loss. It can feel lonely because few people around you knew, or knew what to say. There is no right timeline. What helps most is naming the loss, letting yourself and your partner grieve in your own ways, and having support for the hard days.
Why this loss can feel so isolating
Many pregnancy losses happen before anyone outside the family has been told. That can leave parents grieving a child that others never knew existed. Well-meant comments like "at least it was early" or "you can try again" can hurt, because they skip over the loss itself.
Dr. Shari Bridgman has carried a special concern for parents who lose a baby through miscarriage for decades. She founded the Empty Arms support group ministry in 1993 and wrote In Heavenly Arms: Grieving the Loss and Healing the Wounds of Miscarriage, now in its second edition.
Partners often grieve differently
One partner may want to talk about it every day. The other may go quiet, go back to work, or focus on fixing things. Neither is wrong, and different does not mean one of you cares less. It helps to say out loud what you each need: "I need to talk about it" or "I need a little time before I can."
Things that many families find helpful
- Name the loss. Some parents give the baby a name. Saying it out loud can make the grief feel recognized.
- Mark it in some way. A small ritual, a letter, a keepsake, planting something. It does not need to be big.
- Tell people what you need. Friends often want to help and do not know how. A meal, a walk, or simply asking "how are you, really?"
- Let feelings be mixed. Sadness, anger, guilt, numbness and relief can all show up. They are part of grief, not a sign you are doing it wrong.
Days that can bring grief back
| The due date | Often one of the hardest days |
|---|---|
| The anniversary of the loss | Feelings can return even years later |
| Pregnancy and birth news | Friends' announcements, baby showers |
| Holidays and Mother's or Father's Day | Plan ahead for what you need |
| A later pregnancy | Joy and worry can come together |
When to reach out for support
Grief comes in waves, and that is normal. It may be time to talk with someone when the sadness, anger or worry is getting in the way of your work, your home life or your relationship, or when people close to you say you do not seem like yourself. Support can be individual, as a couple, or both.
Dr. Shari works with grief and loss, depression, anxiety and relationships, and sees adults, couples and families. You can reach her directly at (949) 581-8334.
For friends and family
- Say "I am so sorry." It is enough.
- Use the baby's name if the parents have chosen one.
- Remember the due date and check in.
- Avoid "at least" sentences and advice about the future.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or call 911.
Quick answers
Is it normal to grieve an early miscarriage?
Yes. Grief after a miscarriage is real grief at any stage of pregnancy, and there is no right timeline for it.
Why is my partner grieving differently than I am?
Partners often grieve in different ways. One may want to talk while the other goes quiet or stays busy. Different does not mean one of you cares less. Saying what you each need helps.
When should I get help for grief after a miscarriage?
Consider talking with a therapist when grief is affecting your work, home life or relationship, or when people close to you say you do not seem yourself. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 or call 911.